Lying is dark, dangerous, and dirty. It is one of the most harmful actions a human can do. Few things can break down relationships, friendships, and families faster than the act of lying. It is not a physical act like abuse, but it can hurt just as much and it is much more acceptable in our culture compared to physical abuse.
If you were to get a serious medical diagnosis and then decide not to tell your family about it, is that lying? I want to make the case that it is. I also want to change your mind if you disagree.
Lying can take two major forms. Lies can be active or passive. Verbal deceptions can be lies of omissions or commission. Withholding a diagnosis like cancer, alzheimer’s, or parkenson’s disease is most certainly a passive lie or a lie of omission. Very quickly it will turn into many active lies, especially when you spin other deceptions about why you are not feeling well or perhaps when you say you are going out with friends while you are actually at the hospital receiving chemotherapy.
“My father was diagnosed with liver cancer. He did not tell anyone in the family. The grandchildren, my spouse, and I wanted to schedule a trip to visit him and mom. For some reason none of the dates worked because he said he had other things scheduled like small fishing trips. We now know he was getting treatment for his cancer. He died suddenly and we never got to be with him or see him alive again.”
~From: A real story someone has lived through
The number one argument people make for hiding a medical diagnosis is that they don’t want their family members to worry about them. The number two reason is that the person with the serious diagnosis does not want to be treated differently. Both reasons, I would propose, are superficial reasons that lead to separation instead of closeness, denial of feelings, and of course lying instead of truth.
Not wanting family members to worry is a common thought and often leads to tragic outcomes. Death and illness are part of life. People in the United States are some of the most shielded humans from this reality in all of history. Part of human existence should be gaining closeness and deeper love as one travels through hard times and suffering with others. The bright side of suffering and illness is gaining closeness with others. Keeping a grave diagnosis a secret snuffs out this aspect of human existence completely. Love has no chance to grow. This chance for love to grow is for all people involved. Loss and worrying (i.e. thinking about and hopefully taking action due to the time limited nature of human life and health) can change people for the better.
“My mother kept all her medical problems private. She never shared or wanted to talk about her diagnoses. Now she is gone. She was trying to protect me but what I really wanted was to support her, spend more time with her, and visit her more. I feel deceived…all the signs were their but she kept quite. I didn’t have those last chapters with my mother.”
~From: Another real story someone has lived though.
Lying to yourself is also a bad thing to do. Self-deception can be dangerous and lead to many bad situations. Denying one’s health circumstances can easily lead to driving a vehicle too late into a diagnosis (car accidents), failure to manage your disease (limb loss though diabetes/ falls, etc), and never preparing for death (having the false view that tomorrow is guaranteed). Are you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared to die? Is your legal will updated and clear or are you going to burden and traumatize your family once you are gone with legal battles? Please make your legal will clear and clean so your family can grieve well instead of worrying about your “stuff”.
Consider this: people are going to grieve you. People generally want to help, love more, and desire closer relationships. Your decision to lie may have an underestimated negative effect on the lives of many people. Telling the truth and facing reality for what it truly is-—is one of the most interesting and wonderful acts a human being can do.
Death will come for us all. So will sickness. We can accept and grieve these facts together when the time is right.
Jason Cornish, ACE Personal Trainer, Medical Fitness Specialist, Health Coach. He practices his craft in Auburn, AL.